The French Presidency

It's been nearly a year since the Associated Press reported, "Conservative Nicolas Sarkozy won the French Presidency by a comfortable margin Sunday and immediately signalled (sic) his victory would mean friendly relations with the United States."

This is problematic for me, not because I have anything against the French, nor because I am opposed to friendly relations between our respective governments, but because of the record cold weather in Phoenix during the winter of 2006-2007.

It was an environmental catastrophe of epic proportions. Dead leaves from trees that are normally evergreen created a mess in my swimming pool, and several small palm trees died in my yard. I am quite certain that the Constitution guarantees me a leaf-free pool and flourishing palm trees, so in modern American tradition I venomously sought a scapegoat to bear the brunt of my inconvenient truth.

Of course I began with a "List of Usual Suspects." Unfortunately, global warming seemed a poor candidate to take responsibility for unusually cold weather, and so I turned to such monumental problems as the war in Iraq, legalized abortion, the federal deficit, FEMA, and even that most insidious but never-discussed issue, continental drift.

I am sure that some of my evangelical hardhead-for-Christ friends would be satisfied with some scenario that blames homosexuals. Likewise, certain of my if-there's-a-God-He's-a-liberal-Democrat friends might find a way to indict George W. Bush. I, on the other hand, found no solace in any of those hot-button issues.

So I blamed the French.

NOW what am I going to do?