"Catapostrophic" Grammar

Im sorry. Its true, I am. Lot's of people say theyre sorry and dont mean it. Sometime's I say Im sorry when I dont mean it, but this time Im really sorry. Improper use of the apostrophe is one of my greatest pet peeve's.

Every apostrophe you see in the above paragraph is used incorrectly. And there are a lot of words that should have apostrophes but don't.

Many people can dramatically improve their writing skill just by learning the proper use of this little scribble. So, in case you care, here are the rules as I understand them:

1) Apostrophes are used for two purposes - to denote possession, and to mark an omitted letter. Apostrophes are never used to create a plural.

2) Possession:

a) When a word is singular and ends in a letter other than 's' - add 's to make it possessive. (Frank's chipmunk)

b) The rule is the same when a word is plural and ends in a letter other than 's' - add 's to make it possessive. (Women's chipmunks)

c) When a word is plural and ends in 's' - simply add an apostrophe at the end. (Chipmunks' acorns)

d) When a proper name (singular) ends in 's' - you have a choice. Add either 's or simply an apostrophe. (Francis's chipmunks or Francis' chipmunks) I believe the latter is generally preferred. Try both and see if your spellchecker has a preference.

3) Omitted letters - an apostrophe is used to show that a letter has been omitted from a word, as in a contraction or sometimes a colloquialism. (How's yer blazin' chipmunk burger instead of how is your blazing chipmunk steak)

4) It. It is the exception to the rules. It's not always easy to remember how it's supposed to work. Its existence is the bane of apostrophe lovers everywhere.

a) It's = It is. It's Portuguese chipmunks is the answer to the question, "What is the absurd subject of the previous post?"

b) Its = the possessive form of "It." Its Portuguese chipmunks is the answer to the question, "What did you steal from it?"

So, in conclusion, let me say this again - I'm sorry. It's true, I am. Lots of people say they're sorry and don't mean it. Sometimes I say I'm sorry when I don't mean it, but this time I'm really sorry. Improper use of the apostrophe is one of my greatest pet peeves.

Especially since I have no Portuguese chipmunks.

Dare to Dream!

WARNING! This post is not for the faint-of-heart.

Remember, you have been warned.

No, really - venture no further. The words that follow lie well-beyond that great unknown expanse labelled on the ancient maps: "There be monsters..."

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Don't say I didn't warn you.

Proceed at your own risk.

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I've reached that time of life when men finally realize that they may never accomplish all the things they vowed in their impetuous youth.

For instance, I'm certain that every man, at one time or another, has promised himself that he would one day find himself captain of a fearsome band of Portuguese chipmunks, laughing his enemies to scorn.

Ah, the man who leads a band of Portuguese chipmunks! What can he not accomplish? What will the world hold back from his grasp?

On the slightest of whims he might reign uncontested as King of all Puddlegluppis. And the whole of Tobaccisnortica, from the steppes of Spittoonia to the shores of the Cuspidorian Sea, would tremble uncontrollably at the mere mention of his hair-color.

Oh, and doubt not that he could adorn himself in the finest faux polyester from Faraway Bango-Bango. And his crown! Who would dare embellish its magnificence with anything less than that scarcest of all gemstones - the Great Big Glittery Thingy?

Have we not all dared this dream? What man among us can honestly claim that it lies within the scope of his mortal will to withstand so great a temptation, to deny so alluring an ambition, to refuse so enticing a fantasy? No man's resolve, however ironclad he may fancy it to be, is impervious to the seductive appeal of the things he might achieve at the head of a band of Portuguese chipmunks!



Or maybe it's just me...

ACME Goose-Chasing Kit

Another quirky story from the Associated Press:

Aug. 13, 2008 04:19 PM

Phony coyotes set up to discourage ducks and geese from gobbling up seeds and fresh shoots from wetlands plants didn't fool the fowl...

The geese generally uncover the ruse within a few weeks...

Gee, I dunno - maybe if the cardboard coyotes weren't smiling, the geese would find them more scary.

And geese must be pretty dumb. Anyone who grew up on Looney Toons knows the roadrunner would've figured out the scam in about 2 beeps of his little horn.

Gorillas Among The Missed

From the Associated Press:

Aug. 5, 2008 12:00 AM

More than 125,000 western lowland gorillas have been discovered deep in the forests of the Republic of Congo, dramatically increasing the estimated population, primatologists said today.

This is good news, I suppose, but the picture cracked me up.

I can't decide whether Junior is in trouble for giving away the gorillas' location with a big shout of "Here we are! Look over here!" or if he's just entertaining the band with a rousing rendition of "Hello, my baby, Hello my honey, Hello my ragtime ga---al..."

And in case you're wondering how I knew that a group of gorillas is called a "band," here's my irrefutable source:

http://www.npwrc.usgs.gov/about/faqs/animals/names.htm