Fried-News-Day

The news commentary today is a collaborative effort between many of the psycho-villagers. (If you're not familiar with them, check out the archives for my post on April 2nd, entitled "My Village." This will explain it all. And a lot more.)


Utah geologists say they have discovered prehistoric animal tracks so densely packed on a 3/4-acre rock site, they're calling it a "dinosaur dance floor."

Actually, they didn't start calling it a dance floor until they made a further, stunning discovery embedded in one of the footprints - a trampled and fossilized concert ticket from the Rolling Stones' first road trip. I'm sure that if Leno picks up this story he'll make a similar joke and add one about finding John McCain's footprints among the dinosaurs'.
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British billionaire Sir Richard Branson abandoned his try at a trans-Atlantic speed record when his ultra-modern racing yacht was hit with 40-foot waves in the Bermuda Triangle.

'E's mighty lucky 'e escaped that Bermudy Triangle, sez me. Many's the ship as can't say they done the same. Once't in the Triangle I see'd the Flyin' Dutchman a-comin' cross't the waves in a squall. And before we knowed what was happenin' nor could do nothin' to stop it, our ship, she went down by the stern and sank. All hands lost to Davey Jones Locker - ever' last Man Jack o' us...

Lucky fer me Davey has Internet access so I can foller the news and keep bloggin'...
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Quoted From the Associated Press: One of the Washington area's biggest malls is apologizing for firing their longtime Santa Claus. Tysons Corner Center in McLean, Va., recently told Michael Graham of Sevierville, Tenn., not to come back after 18 years.

Wait...you mean...they...hire people to pose as Santa? Th-th-th-that isn't really...S-S-Santa? I hope that doesn't mean...the Easter Bunny? The Great Pumpkin? Politicians that care about the common man? OH, NO - MY LIFE IS RUINED...

You know, I was fired from a job once, and they asked me not to come back after that same day. I think it's pretty generous of Tyson's Corner Center to give him 18 years' notice.

The saddest news, of course, is that they actually outsourced the Santa job to Sanjayta and his tiny Elvishnus.
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And finally:

If you peel the transparent adhesive tape off its roll in a vacuum chamber, it emits X-rays.

This came as no surprise to the (newly revealed as Republican - http://wcbstv.com/slideshows/Conservative.Celebrities.20.824701.html?rid=0 ) think-tank of Spears, Simpson and Spears, who issued this statement: "Duh - how else could you see through it?"

What do you know - three heads ARE blonder than one!

Scientists are now researching the effects of peeling double-sided tape from the roll. Preliminary results show that in some brands, the second sticky side traps all the X-rays emitted by the first sticky side. But there are certain kinds of double-sided tape which emit XX-rays, a finding which spurred 23 states and all Muslim countries to immediately ban triple-sided tape.
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