New Year's Resolution Trial Run

I am thinking about making my first New Year's Resolution in many a year. In an attempt to make my outlook on life more positive, and less cynical, I'm considering altering my speaking habits to put an end to negative statements. For instance, why say, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch," when it serves just as well to say, "Wait until those chickens hatch before you count them."?

With that in mind, I've attempted to rephrase a few old sayings, to make them positive, affirming statements instead of negative warnings. I'd like all six of my faithful readers, if you're still there after these many weeks of silence, to let me know what you think. It's kind of like those quizzes you used to find on the back of cereal boxes. I even thought about putting the answers upside down at the bottom of the page. I got a real laugh thinking about everyone turning their computer monitors upside-down to read them. Then I realized how hard it would be for me to turn my monitor upside-down to type them...

Anyway, do these restated homilies make sense? Can you tell what I'm trying to say? Is anything lost in the translation?

You can have your cake as long as you eat someone else's.

When you come up with a new trick, you get to buy a new dog.

Cry over your milk while it's still in the glass. Laugh at it when you dump it all over the floor.

Give away all your wooden nickels.

You can squeeze turnip juice from a turnip.

You can make bricks as long as you have all the ingredients.

A leopard can change his direction.

You have a choice - chickens or omelets.  (OK - this is a mix of two pithy sayings.)

You can make a silk purse out of silkworm byproducts.

Dead horses are the best.

Nature loves brooms and mops.

Fried News Day

Well, it appears that Jesus has been pretty busy in recent weeks:

Man says image of Jesus appears on truck window
Nov. 4, 2009 01:28 PM
Associated Press

JOHNSON CITY, Tenn. – Jim Stevens, of Jonesborough, said nearly every morning, an image that looks to him like the face of Jesus Christ has appeared in the condensation on the driver's side window of his Isuzu truck.
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Woman sees image of Jesus on iron
Nov. 27, 2009 12:15 PM
Associated Press

METHUEN, Mass. - Mary Jo Coady first noticed the image Sunday when she walked into her daughter's room.  She says an image of Jesus Christ she sees on her iron has reassured her that "life is going to be good."  She and her two college-age daughters agree that the image looks like Jesus and is proof that "he's listening."
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Disruptive Jesus Christ removed from jury pool
Dec. 2, 2009 11:21 AM
Associated Press

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. – Court officials say a Birmingham woman who changed her name to Jesus Christ didn't live up to it when she reported for jury duty this week. The woman, previously named Dorothy Lola Killingworth, was sent to Judge Clyde Jones's courtroom for a criminal case Monday. Court officials told The Birmingham News Tuesday that the 59-year-old was excused because she was disruptive and kept asking questions instead of answering them.

Efforts to reach Christ for comment were unsuccessful.


Obviously they didn't try the iron...

Why Christians can't add...

I ran across this quote (I don't know who first said it) on a site called "roflposters.com":

Christianity: The belief that some cosmic Jewish zombie, who is his own father, can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

At first I reacted very Baptistically.  That is to say, I was offended.  Fortunately my Baptistic lapse lasted for far less time than my actual Baptistic period.  Unlike the various periods attributed to those famous painter-guys like Picasso and so on, I painted nothing during my Baptistic period.  Well, a room or two, and maybe a picnic bench.  But that is a tale for another post.  Or not.

At any rate, on roflposters.com, viewers are allowed to comment on the posters.  After my initial reaction passed, I expressed my true feelings in a remark, remarkably similar to the following:

Half deliberate distortion, half pretty good paraphrase of how poorly many of us explain and/or live our faith, and half a good laugh at our expense. Yeah, we don't always add too well, either - that's how we get OK with the Trinity...

Fried News Day

What is it with folks in Tampa these days?

Fla. wedding goes wild as guests throw punches

by Tammie Fields - Nov. 10, 2009 10:07 AM WTSP-TV, Tampa, Fla.

Tampa Police say around 9 p.m. during the reception one guest became upset when the groom started tossing money onto the dance floor for the children to scoop up. The groom and his brother confronted the guest and asked him to leave. Tempers flared and some pushing and shoving took place. Some of the wedding guests chose sides and that led to an all out brawl that spilled out into the parking lot. Investigators say nearly 40 people were involved. The fighting ruined the reception and some of the guests and wedding party members headed to their hotel nearby where the fighting erupted all over again in the parking lot of the Marriott Residence Inn. A woman put the groom's 74-year-old grandmother, Mary Wright in a choke hold.

Really, what would I add to that story?
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Woman drives into aquarium at Tampa airport

Nov. 10, 2009 10:52 AM

Associated Press

TAMPA, Fla. - The driver and the child in her lap survived when a pickup truck slammed into a 1,500-gallon aquarium at Tampa International Airport. Airport officials say 36-year-old Yamile Campuzano-Martine lost control of her truck and drove into the saltwater tank outside the American Airlines baggage claim Monday night.

Maybe she was on the lam, trying to get out of town quick after choking an old lady at a wedding...
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Fla. man calls 911 seeking phone sex

by Joshua Basso - Nov. 13, 2009 10:09 AM WTSP-TV, Tampa, Fla.

TAMPA, Fla. - In emergencies, 911 dispatchers will go to great lengths to help out callers. Unfortunately for 29-year-old Joshua Basso, needing sex is not one of those emergencies. Police arrested Basso at his home Wednesday for making false 911 calls after he dialed the number looking for sex. He said he made the calls because his cell phone was out of minutes and 911 was the only number he could call for free.

"Uhhhh, yeah...911?  Yeah, I need some lovin', 'cause my girl got herself busted for running into that aquarium at the airport when she was runnin' away from that wedding where she choked the old lady..."
 
But why does the 911 caller have the same name as the guy credited with writing the article?

Fried-News-Day

Special Halloween Edition!


Vampires vows at Ohio wedding
Oct. 5, 2009 09:18 AM Associated Press

COLUMBIA STATION, Ohio - Sixty-one-year-old Jack Holsinger and 44-year-old Connie Spitznagel were both made up as pale-faced vampires for their scare-emoney Saturday night at a haunted house near Cleveland. The two chose the location because it's operated by the same people who own a campground where the couple met.  Holsinger arrived in a coffin inside a hearse, and the coffin was carried to the altar by six pallbearers. Minister Greg Kopp was dressed as Jason in the "Friday the 13th" movies. After the vows were exchanged, he ordered Holsinger not to kiss his new bride but instead to bite her on the neck.


Those crazy kids! Let's check back in a couple of centuries and see if they're still together. Most of the undead I know really don't stay together any longer than that. Eventually they end up fighting over the silliest things - she sends him to pick up some takeout, and he brings home a type-O-positive waitress, when she wanted an A-negative male firefighter...
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1,725-pound pumpkin takes the prize in Ohio
Oct. 7, 2009 10:13 AM  Associated Press

CANTON, Ohio - A teacher from Ohio has won top honors in a pumpkin-growing contest with a 1,725-pound behemoth that could land worldwide bragging rights.


Unfortunately, at midnight it turned back into a carriage.
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Lung stolen from exhibition of human cadavers
Oct. 6, 2009 06:34 PM  Associated Press

LIMA, Peru - A traveling exhibition of human cadavers wants a stolen lung back.  The left lung was taken in Peru from "Bodies: The Exhibition," which has traveled the globe displaying cadavers preserved through a process that replaces water in biological tissues with polymers.  The organ disappeared from an area where visitors can touch preserved cadavers.


The thief, a priest for a secret society of modern-day Incas, has collected almost enough body parts to restore life to the mummy of the great Inca king, Atahualpa, who will rise from the dead to wreak revenge on the Spaniard invaders for kidnapping and killing him.


Coming to a theatre near you: Mummy 4 - Revenge of the Sun King!!!
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Woman gets $570K from ex in dough-mixer suit
Oct. 12, 2009 01:22 PM Associated Press


You can't really blame her for divorcing a guy who wears a dough-mixer suit.
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Police: 300-pound man in dress tries to steal rum
Oct. 16, 2009 10:19 AM Associated Press

SIOUX FALLS, S.D. – Police said a person believed to be a man disguised as a woman in a black dress tried to steal a bottle of rum and cola drinks from a local drug store.  The store's loss prevention officer unsuccessfully tried to stop the person, who is described as about 20 years old, 6-foot-3-inches tall and weighing 300 pounds.

Buddy Holley said it best ... almost ... sort of ... :

Saturday night I was downtown
Working for the FBI
Sitting in a local drug store
Whiskey bottles piling high

A pair of 45's made me open my eyes
My temperature started to rise
She was a long cool woman in a black dress...

Oh, HELL, no!!!!
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Man walks from Texas to Wash. with 12-foot cross
Oct. 6, 2009 02:16 PM  Associated Press

ABERDEEN, Wash. - A man walking from Texas to his hometown in Washington state has had a cross to bear for months.  James Strickland says he's been dragging a 12-foot cross from Longview, Texas, to his Aberdeen home since May.  He says he hopes to reconcile with the mother of his two children.


Sounds like a great idea for a song:

I'm walkin' up to Washington, in the sun and in the rain
'Cause I wanna trade this rugged cross for my old ball and chain
My old ball and chain...wooo-ooo...
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Church plans to burn Bibles, Christian books
Oct. 14, 2009 12:27 PM Associated Press

CANTON, N.C. - A North Carolina pastor says his church plans to burn Bibles and books by Christian authors on Halloween to light a fire under true believers. Pastor Marc Grizzard told Asheville TV station WLOS that the King James version of the Bible is the only one his small western North Carolina church follows. He says all other versions, such as the Living Bible, are "satanic" and "perversions" of God's word.  On Halloween night, Grizzard and the 14 members of the Amazing Grace Baptist Church also will burn music and books by Christian authors, such as Billy Graham and Rick Warren.


The church's web site says that they will be serving barbecue chicken at the book-burning.  I guess you have to give them credit for not wasting a good fire.

Conventional Wisdom

It's just a dead stick that used to be the flower stalk of an aloe vera.  It neither promises future flowers, nor reminds anyone of past flowers.  It's just a dead stick, white and brittle.  It's been standing right there, in the middle of my garden, for more than half a year.  Once it held up flaming orange candles of flowers.  Now it's just a stick.  A dead stick.

Conventional Wisdom cries out, "Cut it off!  Throw it away!  It serves no purpose!"

Anyone who ventures out onto the patio can - no, must - see it standing forlornly out there, across the little lawn, in front of the pool, in a rock-framed planting bed.  Conventional Wisdom says that sheer laziness is the only reason to leave it there.  It's a dead stick.

Conventional Wisdom so closely scrutinizes its garden calendar, so carefully studies its rules of landscape maintenance, that it only sees a dead stick that needs removal.  And so, Conventional Wisdom never sees the dragonflies that frequently rest upon the tip of that spent flower stalk.  The dead stick that becomes a throne for kings and queens of the air, garbed in irridescent armor.  The dead stick that serves as a vantage point from which to spot prey.  And predators.

Conventional Wisdom asserts that the dragonflies (the ones it has never seen) would find another place to rest if the dead stick were removed.  Yes, they probably would.

But, because the dead stick stands in such a place of prominence, anyone who ventures out onto the patio can - no, must - occasionally consider these sparkling regents of the insect kingdom resting almost weightlessly on their dead-stick throne.  Conventional Wisdom's plan would only allow us to catch a vague glimpse of them as, on gossamer wings, they pass over one garden that is free of dead sticks, searching for another that welcomes them with a simple luxury that invites them to rest their regal bodies.

In my garden, as in Conventional Wisdom's, dragonflies are as welcome as dead sticks.  The question is, how warm is the welcome?

Star Wars Theology

I know I'm not the first to find (and share) gems of wisdom in the Star Wars trilogy, nor do I expect to be either the last, nor the best. But I do expect to be another...

In Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, Yoda gives this outstanding piece of advice to Anakin - "Train yourself to let go of the things that you fear to lose." What a powerful way to live that would be! What a shield against fear, jealousy, anger, resentment, and covetousness, just to name a few sins and temptations.

Because it is fear that drives Anakin Skywalker to turn to the dark side. Fear of losing his wife. And the very thing he fears comes to pass - because of the actions he takes that are prompted by those fears! What if he had simply lived by faith in his ability to survive loss? What if he refused to take on an impossible-to-fulfill level of responsibility for her well-being?

Fear is the root motivator for far too much "Christian" behavior. Fear of breaking God's rules. Fear that our children might end up believing something unbiblical. Fear that we will lose some blessing, or some person, or some thing! These kinds of fears prompt us to take actions that oftentimes bring about the very consequence we fear.

Sometimes, fear-prompted actions look very similar to love-prompted actions. And many times, they are quite alike - maybe separated by only a degree or so of variance. But that 1/360th of a circle, over time and distance, can land us in a very different place. One we thought we were going to avoid.

For instance, we can - and should - manage money well. We can do it out of fear of losing our money, or out of love for the One Who loaned it to us in the first place. The management principles are pretty similar, but the difference in motive will inevitably lead to choices that make divergent paths.

The same can be said of raising children, serving others, performing in our jobs, relating to our spouses, relating to our parents, relating to our siblings, etc.

Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. But perfect love casts out all (unproductive) fear. Love is by far the better motivator, the one that will take us successfully to the goal. Too often we focus on what we do, and pretend that is what proves our motives. Not so! We need, each and every one, to first be very sure of our motives - our "feelings," in Star Wars terms - and then move forward.

Is our motive in raising children to raise strong, successful adults, or is it the fear that we may not raise strong, successful, adults? Is our reason for working hard and long at our place of employment that we respect (a form of love) our employer, that we are thankful (a sign of love) to our God? Or is it that we are afraid of what will happen should we lose the job?

What is it that we are afraid to lose? As we each figure it out, maybe we can help each other in training to give those things up.

Some Rattlingz and a small portion of Friednewsday

If you've watched Wednesday's epic movie, you may have noticed the dashing hat worn by the male lead. My brother, looking at the original photographs, commented, "I like your hat." I have to agree with his taste in headgear. It's my official adventure hat. Because an expedition is only as great as its best hat...
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There is a silent epidemic among us. Once called BBS (Bony Butt Syndrome), it has recently been given the more picturesque designation of "Assorexia." The juvenile version is called "Bunorexia." This malady prevents a person from gaining weight in their posterior, regardless of their overall size and fitness level. Oh, I know that many of you are saying, "Pffft! I'll take it!" Sounds great to have a small bum, eh? Just try sitting on the danged thing. Even cushioned chairs feel like granite boulders, and picnic benches become jagged ledges with razor-sharp spikes. And don't even get me started on trying to sit on the ground!
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This word is not in the dictionary, but I think it's a good one and should be added as soon as possible:
Procreastination {pro-kree-ass-ti-nay-shun} - the practice of putting off pregnancy and childbearing for a more opportune time.
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Endangered Ugandan gorillas join Facebook, MySpace
Sept. 27, 2009 02:57 PM
Associated Press

For a minimum donation of $1, fans can befriend a gorilla on Facebook or MySpace or follow it on Twitter. The money will be used to hire extra rangers to protect the gorillas and safeguard their habitat.

Sounds like a pretty good idea. However, their lesser-known relatives, the Nigerian gorillas, remain content to run e-mail scams aimed at defrauding Americans out of millions of bananas.

Short feature

Here's a little video I threw together last night. Nothing fancy, just having some fun with some pictures. The sound track gets a little monotonous - not enough to make your ears bleed, I hope - but feel free to turn it down if you want to.

Fried News Day

Just one story today, but it's a good one, I think:

Sept. 25, 2009 07:12 AM Associated Press
BANGKOK - A gecko with leopard-like spots on its body and a fanged frog that eats birds are among 163 new species discovered last year in the Mekong River region of Southeast Asia, an environmental group said Friday.

Lee Grismer, of La Sierra University in California reported, "We were engrossed in trying to catch a new species of gecko when my son pointed out that my hand was on a rock mere inches away from the head of a pit viper."

Grismer's careless actions, and the fact that he came to no harm because of them, caused a great stir in the scientific community, with many researchers questioning, for the first time, the widely-accepted scientific doctrine of "survival of the fittest."

Just a few of the animals discovered include:

1) A baldheaded song bird in Laos called the barefaced Bulbul Pycnonotus hualon.

Is it just me, or does that sound like something Gabby Hayes would call the crooked land baron in a John Wayne movie - a barefaced Bulbul Pycnonotus hualon?

2) A new bird species called the Nonggang babbler that favors walking to flying.

Researchers discovered the bird by following the males' unusual cry -"If God had meant for birds to fly, He'd have given them...oh...right." When they got closer, the team heard the females' response - "Shut up, you old buzzard - you're babbling again."

3) A tube-nosed bat named Murina harpioloides.

Not a new species at all, but previously unknown in Southeast Asia. Formerly the only specimen known to science was found in a third-grade classroom in a small Arizona town. Colleagues and acquaintances almost never used her given name, "Murina," opting instead for the more formal "Miss Harpioloides." Kids got in big trouble if they were ever caught calling her a tube-nosed bat. She threatened to sic her fanged frog on us ... I mean them ...

Fried News Day

Well, at last the news-makers are off their diets!

But first, a quick stop in the Random House Unabridged Dictionary for a word of the week:

Coca-colonize - to bring (a foreign country) under the influence of U.S. trade, popular culture, and attitudes.

Which is all very interesting, of course, but right now we have bigger news to fry...

Sept. 18, 2009 09:21 AM Associated Press
ITHACA, N.Y. - A group of upstate New York dog owners plans to compost the tons of dog doo deposited by the roughly 50,000 canines that use the city's dog park annually. If their pilot project is successful, the Tompkins County Dog Owners Group and Cayuga Compost hope to market usable compost within the next two or three years.

Just think - this means that Fido can fertilize the plants before he digs them up...
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Sept. 17, 2009 03:08 PM Associated Press
WASHINGTON - Astronomers have found the coldest spot in our solar system - at the moon's south pole. The area is inside craters that are permanently shadowed so they never see sun, and it's colder by one degree Fahrenheit than far away Pluto.

First of all, let me just say that I have officially scratched that place off my vacation list.

And what's up with poor Pluto? First it gets demoted from planet status to dwarf planet, and then it gets bumped into second place for coldest spot in the solar system. Don't be surprised if it just packs up its moon and goes home...
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Sept. 17, 2009 11:10 AM Associated Press COLUMBIA, S.C. – A 16-year-old girl has bagged a 10-foot alligator in a South Carolina swamp. In the middle of the night. With a crossbow. Her family has 40 pounds of alligator steak in the freezer now.

Not to mention a nice pair of shoes and a killer custom bag for that crossbow...
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Sept. 17, 2009 02:30 PM Associated Press - Dominican agents find cocaine in dictionaries

I checked. Sure enough, I found cocaine in my dictionary, too. Right after Coca-colonize...

Cyberdoodling with Grace

When I was a kid I would doodle. I know that doesn't distinguish me as any sort of prodigy; pretty much all kids doodle (OK, I confess - I still doodle!). Nor have I ever been noticeably better than average as a doodler. But, like probably anyone who has ever doodled, I have occasionally experienced that thrill when a few lines and curves and squiggles suddenly align themselves into a really cool drawing.

Of course, the only time that ever happens is when you're doodling on the most tattered, dirty, useless scrap of something that might once have been paper. Try to reproduce your creation on a real surface, and it just won't work. On the throw-away fragment it's an amazing interpretation of a mako shark torpedoing through the mysterious deep. On good paper it vaguely resembles an old, almost shapeless house-slipper.

That's the beauty of the blogosphere. Here you can doodle with words until some of them magically arrange themselves into a real thought. Everything is throwaway and everything is preserved, so all your mako sharks hang out with your old slippers. In fact, I'm pretty sure that somewhere around here I have a lovely sketch of a mako shark wearing an old slipper...

The other day, while responding to someone's response to someone else's comment on another person's original post in connection with some news item, I accidentally said something that made sense. Thanks to Blogdom, my scribble on a multiply-used post-it note with all the corners torn off can be easily transferred to the fine stationery you see before you now.

It's always easier to extend grace to people we think don't really need it...

We all seem to have an internal scale by which we grade other people's faults. We grade their actions based upon execution and degree of atrocity. It's like we're judges at a sin-nastics meet. But our scoring is pretty much arbitrary, and personal. We each judge based on a different set of criteria, which we, ourselves, choose.

But we are rarely balanced in our application of standards, either. What we see as a horror in one person is nothing more than a misstep when done by another. Well, within certain bounds, of course. But those bounds can stretch a lot further than most of us would ever think, or care to believe.

I'm not talking about whether or not we should be happy to meet Idi Amin in heaven, as compared to overlooking a poor choice of words about AIDS from the lips of Billy Graham. On the other hand, I could just as well be comparing a man known as the "Butcher of Uganda," to one once voted the "Greatest Living American," because really, if it isn't equally administered, is it truly grace?

But let's forget about extremes. Grace, in order to be gracious, must be given without degree or favoritism. That isn't easy. It's just so natural to wish for, trust in, and see God's grace the most in people who offend us the least.

It's always easier to extend grace to people we think don't really need it...

Joining A Hero

A little over a year-and-a-half ago, my friend, Rex Miller, shot me an e-mail describing the work that Steve Peifer is doing in Kenya. It's work that earned him recognition as a CNN Hero in 2007. In brief, he establishes computer-training centers for children, and provides meals for them while they are at school. It turns out that one of the biggest obstacles for children staying in school is that they need to find food during the day.

Check out some of the videos on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=steve+peifer&search_type=&aq=f

You can also read about his work at this site:

http://kenyakidscan.org/

His passion and mission moved Pam and me to add our financial support - in an admittedly modest amount - to the contributions of others to his work.

Steve sends out regular e-mail updates. Here's an excerpt from a recent letter:

The rains haven't come and it has gotten more desperate here. The term ended with most schools running out of food 10-15 days before the end of the term; we just didn't have the money to buy enough.

One sentence stopped me in my tracks; my heart sank; tears ran down my cheeks:

We had a meeting with all of our computer teachers, and they reported that the biggest challenge for them was to teach when students were crying because they were so hungry.

On the website above - http://kenyakidscan.org/ - you can click the tab labeled "How You Can Help," and there are links that allow you to add your own support to the lunch program, the computer labs, and/or the Peifer family directly. Let me just say that I don't remember any of Steve's e-mails talking about his personal finances, so I don't really know how much he might need in that area. But I do know that children are crying with hunger when they could be learning computer skills. And we all have the chance to help one person who is doing something to change that.

The Rest of the Story...

I almost didn't post the previous post that I posted. It wasn't really happy happenstance that led to my discovery that my sister's stepson's girlfriend's mom's boyfriend's ex-wife is my boss' sister.

It all started with a trip to Tucson to stay with my sister and brother-in-law. Together, we then made a journey to spread my parents' ashes (along with the cremated remains of two dogs) in an undisclosed location in the Chiricahua Mountains. On the way back to Tucson from the mountains, my brother-in-law got a phone call from his son. It was bad news about his (the son's, not the brother-in-law's) girlfriend's mother.

The following Monday, my boss dropped by my office and gave me an update about her trying weekend, which involved a story that ended with the same sad news that my brother-in-law received in the car on Saturday.

Finding out that my boss' sister's ex-husband's girlfriend (whom I had never met) was also my sister's stepson's girlfriend's mom, meant finding out that this young woman died tragically of complications from back surgery. A blood clot that lodged in her brain.

So, I was a little afraid it might seem disrespectful to post a humorous take on an overall tragic situation.

But then I heard about the plans for Becky's memorial, including a cocktail party. A fancy, dress-to-the-nines, and don't-even-think-about-wearing-black, cocktail party. It was something Becky always wanted to do while alive, but she just hadn't quite pulled it off, yet. And from what I've heard from everyone who knew her, Becky was a lover of life and living, a really joyful person and a joy to know.

And so I decided that she would probably get a really good laugh out of our six degrees of separation. And she would want others to share in her merriment.

It just wouldn't have been right to keep it to myself.

Still on a news-free diet

100th post!!! Wow - it seems like just a year and a half ago I was rattling about blaming France for the weather, and look at me now!

While fighting an epic light-saber battle, Darth Vader tells Luke Skywalker, "... I am your father."

In the midst of a similar, but somewhat less-than-epic struggle, Dark Helmet tells Lone Starr, "I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate."

Without wrrrrrrrm-ing and weeooww-ing a deadly, almost unstoppable shaft of light around the office...
Without slicing through hapless furniture and fixtures...
Without losing a limb or any subdivision thereof...
I have discovered that my sister's stepson's girlfriend's mom's boyfriend's ex-wife is my boss' sister.

Luke Skywalker's reply to Darth Vader's revelation: "No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!"
Vader: "Search your feelings. You know it is true."

Lone Starr's response: "What's that make us?"
Dark Helmet: "Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become."

Me: "So, what are we doing for Christmas this year?"

I'm still waiting to hear, but I hope she doesn't think I'm not going to make other plans if she doesn't respond pretty soon...

News on a Diet

We're not having any fried news today. Apparently the oddballs of the world and the press that covers them have all gone on a diet.

So, to fill the unbearable gap this dearth of material leaves in the lives of my faithful blog-followers (all six of you), I will share a few true rattlingz. Here is a selection of stray things, that might once have been thoughts, bouncing about in my brain. In point of fact, the citizens of Psychovillage are tired of all this stuff flying around, breaking windows, and making it unusually hazardous to venture outdoors. They petitioned me to get rid of some of these stray items.

As though the inside of my head is a safe place, with or without flying rattlingz. They really need to be more worried that I may wake up one morning and decide to enroll them all in a math class. Not just any math class, mind you. Oh, no - I'd sign them up for something like Advanced Absurdity Theory, wherein they would be required to determine the value of blue as a function of Przewalski horse migration and scissors.

OK, now I lost my train of thought. Actually, I think a gang of train-of-thought robbers has holed-up in Psychovillage. Or maybe that's just the movie playing in the village theatre - The Train-of-Thought Robbers. You know, the one with...

The main difference between introverts and extroverts can be summed up as follows:
Say the word, "fun" to an extrovert and immediately he will think of gathering up a bunch of people and running off to do something. Say the same word to an introvert, and he will immediately think about gathering up a bunch of extroverts and sending them all off to do something.

Actually, it might be The Great Train-of-Thought Robbery.

For a long time it made me nervous to find myself in social settings, faced with the following ice-breaker activity - "Tell us your name, where you're from, and what you do for a living." Luckily I have overcome that awkwardness. My solution is to simply repeat the name and origin of the last person who spoke. For my living, I claim, "Identity theft."

Or maybe it was just the train in Breakthought Pass...

Fried News Day

Let me begin with a headline sent to me by one of my "good-friends-Ed:"

Canadian Mounties break up erectile dysfunction drug ring

Royal Canadian Mounted Police in Montreal seized thousands of counterfeit pills intended for the erectile dysfunction market.

The best part is Ed's comment, "For some reason, I thought of you when I saw this."

Thankfully he went on to explain, "No, not any association with the condition or the drug."

He thought it might make a good addition to my blog. Now, you have to know that it's really, really difficult (note that I avoided the use of the four-letter word for "difficult") to comment on this article without having to place my blog in the "adult content" warning section. I can't talk about the impact that counterfeit pills have on the legitimate market. I mean, how can you even address a market report without using words like "rising," or "falling?" Has there been a softening demand for the real stuff? Did the Mounties catch the crooks with their pants down? Did they meet stiff resistance during the raid? Curse, you, Ed, for sending me a target the size of an oliphaunt, knowing full-well I can't open fire on it with anything close to my full arsenal.

Not to mention how I can never again think of Sergeant Preston or Dudley Do-Right without being reminded of erectile dysfunction...
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As long as Ed has thrown this whole post into the gutter anyway:

Aug. 12, 2009 Associated Press
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - An Arkansas death-row inmate allegedly passed love letters to a guard and committed a sex act with her before supervisors discovered their illicit romance, documents obtained by the Associated Press show.

When ED pills are outlawed, only outlaws will have ED pills...

If your girlfriend is also your prison guard, you just might be a redneck...

Heck - you might BOTH be rednecks...
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While swimming in the gutter, I found these headlines - no comments necessary:

Probation for man in woman's swimsuit

Man pleads not guilty to naked doorbell ringing

Woman in drunken breast-feeding case jailed

Man denies fondling 2 in prom dresses

Woman in glued-penis case speaks out

Man, what a weekful of weirdos!
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And here's the one that just ices the cake:

Man convicted of groping Minnie Mouse at Disney

Guard - "So, whatcha in for?"
Prisoner - "I groped Minnie Mouse."
Guard - "Ooooo, I like your style. Wanna be my illicit boyfriend and trade love letters and stuff?"

If you get arrested for groping Minnie Mouse...

Manufacturing Facts

I recently discovered that a lady by the name of Wu Hou was once Empress of China. I planned to make a comment about how her name led to today's exclamation of "WooHOO!" when something exciting happens to us. Because, of course, one would think that becoming Empress of China would be a cause of some excitement in a woman's life.

However, I then found out that Wu Hou is not pronounced "woo-HOO," but rather, "WOO-hoe," which would take the discussion in an altogether different direction. One much less suited to what I had in mind. One that perhaps would discuss not the immortalization of a name, but the immoralization instead.

I was going to claim that while we owe Wu Hou for the phrase wooHOO, we also owe a lesser-known, but equally important, Chinese figure for his contribution to the English language. That would be, "Yee Ha," the name of the first (and perhaps only) Chinese bull-rider in rodeo history. In honor of his accomplishments, his name has been immortalized in the cowboy cry, "Yee-Haw!"

This leads me quite naturally to the topic of manufacturing facts. If, in fact, you remove the fact from manufacture, you end up with manuure. Oddly fitting for a tall tale about a fictional bull-rider...

Fried News Day

Yes! Back in spite of popular demand, it's Fried News Day!

Let's start with "Attack of the Killer Groundhog"
Associated Press
BOONTON, N.J. – Police in northern New Jersey needed pepper spray to thwart a groundhog on the attack. Boonton resident Alex Scott told police the rodent chased him when he entered his garage and tried to get his truck. Police Sgt. Mike Danyo and Officer Paul Ryan said the groundhog went on the attack when they arrived.
Police said Danyo tripped and fell. His partner sprayed pepper spray into the groundhog's face, giving the officers time to snare it.
The animal was euthanized and its remains will be shipped to the state health department for rabies testing.

Groundhog, groundhog, whatcha gonna do? A-whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. Unless euthanized first.
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Continuing the theme of "Rodent Uprising"
Associated Press
TUCSON - A rodent somehow found its way into a substation, and left 7,600 Tucson Electric customers without service Tuesday.


Coincidence? I hardly think so. Homeland Security definitely needs to launch an investigation into possible ties between this critter and the New Jersey groundhog. Sounds like terrorists are training rodents to attack American law enforcement personnel and infrastructure. We need to launch immediate countermeasures.
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And, speaking of counter-terrorism tactics
Donna Abu-Nasr - Associated Press
RIYADH, Saudi Arabia - Many in this ultra-conservative kingdom, where husbands and wives rarely even kiss in public, have been scandalized by a Saudi man who spoke frankly about sex on a satellite TV program, showing off erotic toys and fantasizing about joining the mile-high club.
More than 200 people have filed legal complaints against Mazen Abdul-Jawad, dubbed a "sex braggart" by the media, and many Saudis say he should be severely punished.
"His punishment should be as harsh as his sin," said lawyer Mohsen al-Awajy. "He has outraged everybody."
Abdul-Jawad was detained last Friday for questioning.

So, some Saudi goes on TV bragging about sex and the whole country rises up and throws him in jail. Some other Saudi goes on TV bragging about destroying America, and no one can even find him. I think the CIA needs to manufacture a video of Bin Laden talking about sex.
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And there you have it - all the news that really isn't worth mentioning without proper editorial commentary. Stay tuned for a politically-incorrect investigation into certain contributions to American language and culture, as well as the official Bishop etymology of the word, "manufacture."

Road Trip Summary

Well, we survived the Great Road Trip of '09. Here's a summary:

We drove through portions of 11 states - Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska, South Dakota, Minnesota, Wyoming, Colorado, and Utah.

We visited White Sands, Carlsbad Caverns, Badlands, Black Hills (Including Mount Rushmore, Custer State Park, and Reptile Gardens), Capitol Reef, Bryce Canyon, Grand Canyon (North Rim), Painted Desert, and Petrified Forest. Oh, and the Too-Much-Time-On-Your-Hands National Monument, more commonly known as the world's largest ball of twine, in Darwin, Minnesota. And Roswell, New Mexico, whatever that is...

We also visited the homes of five family members.

We travelled 4544.1 miles.

We spent 16 days.

We used 150 gallons of gas.

We took 2709 pictures. That's an average of 246.27 per state. 0.6 per mile. 18.06 per gallon. I don't know if that's very good performance - neither the owner's manual for the car, nor the one for the camera, gives any estimates for pictures-per-gallon.

We bought some Black Hills Gold jewelry (in the Black Hills, of course - a ring and earrings), a Native American flute (in Utah), and a chunk of petrified wood (where else?). We also bought some fun stuff at a thrift store in Elbow Lake, MN.

We saw many examples of that automotive palindrome, "a Toyota." But we did not encounter the fabled Japanese-car graveyard known as "The Subaruins."

We skipped our planned stop in Dodge City, Kansas, for lack of time. We missed the exodus of 400,000 or so bats from Carlsbad Caverns at dusk because there was too much lightning in the area, and the park rangers made us all leave the park. We didn't see any condors at the Grand Canyon or around Marble Canyon, and we passed the turn-off to the Vermilion Cliffs release point well after dark. So, we saw no condors. We also drove the last part of the Badlands, South Dakota, in the dark. So, not everything worked out just as we had hoped.

Pam had fun snapping pictures through the the windshield as we travelled. I had fun enjoying her fun. We'll both have fun looking at all the pictures and weeding out the ones we don't want.

Driving through Colorado, we paralleled the Colorado River for many miles. A day or so later, we saw the Colorado River where it flows through the Grand Canyon. I wondered if we were looking at some of the same water. I know we drove faster than the river runs, but we also stopped at a motel in Torrey, Utah, for the night, and drove a less-direct route. Not to mention stopping a lot more often to take pictures. I couldn't tell from the rim of the Grand Canyon if any of the river water looked familiar.

All-in-all, it was a great trip, and we're looking forward to future road trips, though probably not as long (because it's hard for me to get away from work for that much time in a row), and probably with a tent.

Road Trip Day 14

We left Torrington, Wyoming this morning a little after 7:00, and we're now settled into our room in Torrey, Utah. What we saw of Wyoming was interesting, but a bit on the desolate side. The drive through Colorado was gorgeous. We left I-28 just West of Green River, Utah, headed South on Hwy 24, through Capital Reef.

As we approached Capital Reef, the earth around us began to morph into other-worldly shapes. At first, many of these looked sterile, like dead tailings strewn around an abandoned mine. A mine dug haphazardly by some juvenile giant and his toy shovel. But as we moved into the park proper, everything changed. There was the green of cottonwoods luxuriating in the moisture of terra cotta - colored streams looking like someone dumped an unimaginably large can of paint somewhere up in the mountains.

The vision and industry of man showed itself as well. Ancient petroglyphs decorated some of the smooth cliff faces, and the more recent contributions of hardy farmers brought green crops, black, brown and tan livestock, and multicolored buildings and machinery to many a flat space nestled between...

...The real genius and labor. Rock formations twist into shapes that defy definition, sculpted by some Cosmic-sized Artist, Who removed every last chip of rock that did not belong, but took not so much as a fleck that did.

Tomorrow we're off to enjoy more Earth-sculpting in Bryce Canyon and the Grand Canyon.

Road Trip Day 13

Well, here we are in Torrington, Wyoming, back online after many days of Internet deprivation.

Actually, we could have had Internet service last night in Rapid City, South Dakota, but I just plain refused to pay $3.00 on top of the premium price charged for a barely-average room.

So, it's midnight and I need to get some rest, so this will be brief.

Visited with Pam's family until yesterday, including a day on the lake catching a few walleyes.

Yesterday we drove through the Badlands, and today we drove around the Black Hills, including, of course, Mount Rushmore, and not enough else. We got a late start because I had to wait for a store to open where I could replace the battery charger for my camera. Apparently I left my other one somewhere in New Mexico...

Tomorrow we'll get to see something of Wyoming other than headlights approaching at wide intervals.

Road Trip - Day 6 - Elbow Lake

Well, I'm sitting outside the public library at Elbow Lake, Minnesota. As soon as I'm done here, we'll go visit Pam's sister, Charlotte for a couple of days.

On the way up here I got a warning for speeding. In appreciation of the nice officer giving me a warning instead of a ticket, I'll travel only the speed limit the rest of our time in Minnesota.

Last night at Curt and Barb's house, their three daughters came over to visit. Pam's nieces are pretty close to our age, so their kids are all in high school or later. It was nice to visit, and will probably result in our spending an extra day in Minnesota. Roger told me he lives 10 miles from one of the best walleye lakes in Minnesota. I'm just going to have to see if he's telling the truth!

Road Trip - Day 5

Well, we went Internet dark for a couple of days. Comfort Inn in Salina, Kansas had a great room and lousy Internet service.

We drove to Salina from Carlsbad Sunday night. Stopped for a few minutes in Roswell. Didn't see any aliens, but saw a few true believers, I think. We stopped at a rest area somewhere on the Llana Estacada. Very, very flat plain. Except for the hole in the parking lot that I stepped in while taking a stroll to take some pictures of an abandoned house off in the brush behind the rest area. I fell right flat and heard my camera bounce at least twice on the pavement. Fortunately it seems to still be working. So do I, although I had my doubts about my ankle for a while.

That's kind of a story, too, I guess. When I got up Friday morning, the day we left, I could hardly walk. I have some calcification of the tendons or cartilage or something that's not supposed to be bone in my heel and ankle. I have occasional arthritis attacks in that area, but Friday's was the worst ever. I used a cane to get around, and started taking Ibuprofen right away. By the time we got to Carlsbad Caverns I was fine. But I was pretty sore again after tripping. Today it aches a little, but it's not bad.

Somewhere along the road we saw a big sign advertising the Dalton Gang's hideout. Doesn't seem like much of a hideout if they have a big sign on the outskirts of town. In town we saw another sign - "Hideout - 4 Blocks." Turning to follow the arrow, we passed a sign every block - "Hideout," with an arrow pointing the way. Then we saw the sign indicating the location of the notorious Daltons' hideout and escape tunnel. If it's that easy to find, it makes you wonder how the Daltons stayed on the loose for so long. Unless it's all a decoy...

Along the way we passed through Pratt, Kansas. Seems like we know someone from Pratt...

And here we are in Lake Benton, Minnesota, staying with Pam's brother, Curt and his wife, Barb. Internet access will probably be spotty for a while, but I'll update when I can.

Road Trip Day 2 - Howdy from Carlsbad!

Visited Carlsbad Caverns today. Took gobs of pictures, but really, pictures can't even begin to show what an awesome place it is. Trying to catch it "on film" is kind of like trying to capture a moment of God's moving, and then pass it out to everyone who wasn't there. Good thing no one ever tries that!

We took the Natural Entrance hike down into the caverns. We went very slowly, not because we can't walk quickly, and not because we can't walk quickly on a steep downhill grade for a mile or so. We went slowly because we just couldn't go quickly in that place. It's a very sacred place - a place that was God's alone for a very long time, and a place He must have really enjoyed wandering through.

At the bottom of the Natural Entrance Trail is the beginning of the Big Room Trail. There are also restrooms with flush toilets. 750 feet below the surface of the ground. So where exactly do those toilets flush to? Naturally I had to ask a park ranger. Turns out they flush into a holding tank, and every once in a while the waste is pumped to the surface for disposal.

The Big Room is ... well ... really, really, BIG! And filled with sights carrying enticing names like "Rock of Ages," "Bottomless Pit," "Chinese Theatre," and such. Part of the Big Room is very wet and actively forming new cave stuff. Part of it is quite dry. It turns out that when they built the visitors' center and all the parking, they blocked rain water from draining through the rock underlying the building and parking lot. Kind of like the way putting up a building and parking lot can cut off the supply of Living Water to a church. Oops - did I just say that in my outside voice???

We wanted to see the bats leave the cave in the evening - apparently it's a wonderful sight. But there was too much lightning nearby and the flight viewing was canceled. Bummer! I guess we'll have to go back sometime...

So, here we are in Carlsbad. We found a motel room on the second floor, and as we walked up the stairs to our room we noticed fireworks soaring into the sky all across the horizon south of us. At least two professional displays were visible, and countless "backyard" projects as well. We're not used to that in Arizona, where fireworks aren't legal and available as they are in New Mexico. Best part was that God lit up the whole sky with His own fireworks, sending spiderwebs of lightning all over the night. I'm not sure whether He was just joining in the fun, or if He was showing everyone how it's done, but we enjoyed it greatly.

Off to Roswell and parts North tomorrow!

Road Trip Day 1 - Greetings from Artesia!

Well, here we are in beautiful downtown Artesia, New Mexico. We left Phoenix this morning, and drove pretty leisurely until midafternoon. It rained hard, but not blindingly, about 20 minutes before we got to White Sands. One lightning strike off to the side of the road had just about zero lag time between flash and crash, so it was pretty close. Not close enough to hear the snap of lightning or smell the electricity, though. The weather was clear, hot and humid by the time we got to White Sands, and stayed that way for much of our time in the dunes. It clouded up later and got really comfortable.

After leaving White Sands we drove through Alamogordo into the mountains. That was one of the nicest drives ever. It rained lightly most of the way through the mountains, but once the rain stopped we opened the roof and enjoyed the 60-degree weather.

There were a couple of very-deserted houses falling to ruin along the route today. Whenever I see places like that, windows and doors and roof all missing, I wonder about all the people who lived there once-upon-a-time. What were their dreams? How did they make that place a home? Whatever happened to make it more reasonable to abandon than to dwell there?

Anyway, here we are in Artesia, in a bargain-room motel on the South edge of town. It has doors, windows and a roof. Also a decent bed and a clean bathroom. And free Internet access. We're planning to head south to Carlsbad Caverns in the morning. Afterward we're thinking about going to Roswell to watch fireworks and UFO conspiracy theorists.

Hopefully we'll find another affordable motel with Internet access so I can update tomorrow!

Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest Results

If you love to laugh until your bladder cries for mercy...
If you love the most skilfully-written godawful sentences ever penned...

You have to check this out:

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2009.htm

Named for the author who first began a story with those unforgettable words, "It was a dark and stormy night," this is a celebration of the very best horrible writing the English language has to offer.

Fried News Day

Mr. Yukio Oumi, of Nakanotomachi, Japan, recently found 13 dead fish around his house. The fish, apparently small carp, lay on the back of his truck and on the ground.

Besides the usual suggestions of tornadoes passing over a lake and sucking up the fish, and Godzilla sneezing during a feeding frenzy, scientists have posed the following possible explanations:

1) North Korea is experimenting with some bizarre payloads in its long-range missile tests.

2) God was getting one of those fish-pedicures when He was suddenly called away to an emergency. As He leapt to His feet, carp were scattered everywhere, and some fell on Mr. Oumi's driveway.
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A 27-year-old Mesa man drove through the block wall of a Chandler home and ended up in the pool after an apparent suicide attempt Tuesday morning. The man positioned a 24-inch sword through the steering wheel and tied it in place with a T-shirt. When he drove through the wall, the airbag deployed and bent the sword. The man was transported to a local hospital with non-life-threatening injuries, including a cut in the neck from the sword. It is unknown whether he will be charged with any crimes.

I really, really, really try hard not to make fun of people going through hard times, and this guy clearly has some serious problems. Not the least of which is his Wile E. Coyote plan for committing suicide. But I do have to wonder why there would be any doubt as to whether he will be charged with any crimes. I don't think there is a criminal stupidity statute in Arizona, but certainly it would not be unreasonable to consider charges of trespassing, reckless endangerment, destruction of property, and probably a few more. Granted, the worst attorney on Earth could probably make a convincing insanity case, but I say they should charge him anyway, and let a jury of his peers decide.

The hard part will be to find enough of his peers to fill a jury box. Besides that, who in their right mind would want HIS peers to judge their case? Wait - my bad - I guess the "right mind" portion probably doesn't apply.
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All in all, I think I'd rather find a bunch of dead carp in my driveway than a car in my swimming pool.

Signs...and wonder-whys...

When Jesus said that it is a wicked and adulterous generation that looks for a sign, I'm sure He was talking about a miraculous sign, which is very different from the kinds of signs I see displayed in front of churches that I pass on my way to work. Nothing miraculous there, hey! What He might say about the generation who posts these signs...well, I won't indulge that speculation. I'll just throw out a few rattlingz generated by some signs I've seen recently.
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The "Used-to-be-Baptist-but-now-operating-under-a-new-name-because-probably-they-read-some-book-that-said-'unchurched'-people-stay-away-from-churches-with-the-word-Baptist-in-their-name" Church has once again posted their schedule of pagan rites. See March 11, 2008, for my first mention of this oddity. They removed this particular item for a while, but now it's back:

Sun Worship 10:45 A

Apart from the fact that it seems odd for a nominally Christian organization to offer sun worship as part of its ministry palette, I just have to wonder if 10:45 is really the best time to worship the sun. I'm no expert on pagan orthopraxy, but it seems as though sunrise would be a more usual time for sun worship, except perhaps at the solstices. But maybe today's American pagans pursue their faith approximately as lazily as American Christians follow our own.
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Speaking of worship, I saw a sign that advertised two distinct services, though I have forgotten the times posted for each:

Praise worship...

Traditional...

Apparently it has not been their historic tradition to praise or worship during church services. After all, it's not like the God of the universe is...oh, wait...hmmmmm...never mind.
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And while I'm talking about the God of the universe, this sign puts Him into some sort of perspective, I guess:

When you get to your wit's (sic) end, you'll find that God lives there.

Is saying, "I'm not going to say that if you don't know that the saying is wits' end, not wit's end, you really shouldn't be posting signs anyway," the same as saying it?

But, grammatical challenges aside, this message annoys me. It just seems to squarely center God's nature on "me," as though the official word from God is, "I'm there for ya, bro." Once again, as it has many times recently, this quote (attributed to Jean-Jacques Rousseau) comes to mind - "God created man in his own image. And man, being a gentleman, returned the favor."

Not that God isn't "there" for us, or that we can't find Him when we're at our weakest. I just don't think that's where He lives. Or that those things are particularly large parts of His place and work in this universe.
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Which brings me to another odd sign, one that I have smiled at for some time, now:

Bishop Ernest - Pam Jones

At the risk of offending, am I the only one who thinks this sounds a little transgendered or at least cross-dressed? I guess if you saw the old sign, you could guess easily enough that Ernest got a promotion that Pam did not. It used to display the names:

Pastors Ernest & Pam Jones

Or maybe it was:

Pastors Ernest - Pam Jones

Either way, it was easy enough to follow the old sign. The new one is a little wonky.

I don't know Ernest Jones. I'm sure he's a great guy and a Christ-follower. But it seems to me that maybe he was so anxious to get that "Bishop" title up there that he didn't really care what the rest of the line looked like.

"Bishop" or "overseer" was once a function that some people fulfilled in the community of Jesus-followers. There wasn't any particular job description attached - just someone who oversaw things. Big things, small things, simple things, complex things, single things, multiple things...just things that needed overseeing.

But then churchianity decided that "bishop" must be an office in the church, and that the Bishop usually should have an office in the church. I don't find it very comforting that "office in the church" so easily takes on two meanings that should be so diverse. Once describing the work that people did in the course of living in a community of faith, terms like "bishop," "apostle," "pastor," became official jobs within a hierarchy.

But now we live in a time which has made these words more trivial still. Now they are nothing more than titles handed out by a parent body, or taken by individuals as they see fit, with little or no relation to a real role in the community of believers, or any assembly thereof. By giving the words themselves more and more importance, we have robbed them of their beauty and power. We have placed ourselves on the losing end of a sorry trade - the simple, elegant, graceful beauty of "having the oversight" for the empty privilege of "being the Bishop."

We have lost the respite of the mustard seed that sends mountains packing, and gained the labor of endless effort that won't cure a hangnail.

Cacti

Here are a few pictures of some of my cacti. Unfortunately, most cactus flowers only last one day and I missed a few plants in full bloom yesterday.

Anyway, enjoy! And, as always, clicking on the pictures at left right should bring up a larger image.

Fried News Day

Word for the day: Triptych: a picture or carving in three panels side by side; something composed or presented in three parts or sections
__________ __________ __________

Associated Press SAN DIEGO - Officials in San Diego who want to prevent seals from taking over a popular beach plan to seek court approval next week to use recordings of barking dogs scare the seals away. Critics of the scheme say the seals will simply get used to the noise and come right back.

Hey - anyone need some good, used cds of barking dogs?
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Associated Press RANKIN INLET, Nunavut - Canada's governor general ate a slaughtered seal's raw heart in a show of support to Canada's seal hunters. Governor General Michaelle Jean, the representative of Britain's Queen Elizabeth II as Canada's head of state, gutted the seal and swallowed a slice of the mammal's organ late Monday after an EU vote earlier this month to impose a ban on seal products on grounds that the seal hunt is cruel.

Maybe when the seals in San Diego get used to the barking noise, officials can play movies of Ms. Jean eating a seal's heart. That should scare them off.
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Associated Press HOLDEN, Maine - A project involving conservationists and U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service biologists is looking for a few dozen people willing to howl like wolves in Maine's North Woods. The Wolf Inquiry Project plans to conduct "howling surveys" in several areas this summer in hopes of discovering whether wolves are resettling in Maine. The Bangor Daily News said coordinators are seeking individuals willing to spend a night howling in the woods and who won't be scared off if they get a response.

You know, if the people don't work out, there may be some dog-barking recordings available from San Diego pretty soon...
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Fried News Day

Recently I have noticed an alarming dearth of interesting news items, resulting in a sad lack of Fried News Day posts. This week, however, that has all changed ...

Beginning with breakfast, we have this from the Associated Press:

Police say a Needham, Massachusetts man who was stopped for erratic driving on Central Avenue last week was eating a bowl of cereal and milk while he drove. He told officers he was hungry. Police didn't know what kind of cereal the driver was eating.

Does it make a difference?
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Moving to international news from the Associated Press:

MADRID - A new study has found the air in Madrid and Barcelona contains not only the expected pollutants, but is also laced with at least five drugs - most prominently cocaine.

On the heels of this report, Spain has observed a sudden upswing in tourism...
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In other "strange-things-in-the-air" news, the Associated Press reports:

Police in Clinton, Maine say a 500-pound moose fell 18 feet to its death when it apparently leaped a guardrail on an Interstate 95 overpass and landed on Hinckley Road. Officials learned of the incident when a motorist called the town office shortly after 8 a.m. Tuesday and told assistant town clerk Shirley Bailey that "a moose just fell out of the sky."

Last time, you remember, our friends Rocky the Squirrel and Bullwinkle the Flying Moose were ... what? It's the squirrel that flies, not the moose?

Wait, Bullwinkle! Don't try to...

Dang.
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More out-of-the-blue news from the Associated Press:

GENEVA - A rare 7.03-carat blue diamond sold for more than $8.4 million Tuesday, the highest price ever for a gem of its kind, according to auctioneers Sotheby's. The successful bidder will have the privilege of naming the gem.

I would name it "Steve." "Steve" is a nice name.

Or maybe Blue Diamond Phillips...
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And having more-or-less mentioned celebrities, let's add this item:

Dolly Parton was recently awarded an honorary doctorate from the University of Tennessee in Knoxville.

I'm not sure, but I heard a rumor that it was a Ph-Double-D...
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And speaking of well-endowed female forms:

Associated Press READING, Ohio - A sexy mannequin can keep her spot outside a Cincinnati area barbecue joint, but local officials want her to cover up a bit more. The life-size figure stands as a busty beacon outside a restaurant in suburban Reading, wearing a bikini top and tight short-shorts. According to the owner of the restaurant, the advertising gimmick has boosted business 40 percent. Members of the Design and Review Board indicated they were concerned about "community norms."

This is weird. Just plain weird. Has the Design and Review Board ever walked through a mall?
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And finally, in the oxymoronic world of archaeological news:

Associated Press BERLIN – A 35,000-year-old ivory carving of a busty woman found in a German cave was unveiled Wednesday by archaeologists who believe it is the oldest known sculpture of the human form. The carving, apparently intended to hang from a cord, was found in six fragments in Germany's Hohle Fels cave. It depicts a woman with a swollen belly, wide-set thighs and large, protruding breasts. "It's very sexually charged," said University of Tuebingen archaeologist Nicholas Conard, whose team discovered the figure in September.

It originally hung in front of an ancient barbecue joint, increasing the owner's business by a reported 40%. But the local cave council got together and decided it was too racy, so they broke it into pieces. As a result, the restaurant went out of business, and Neanderthals, lacking a place to find good mammoth ribs, starved into extinction.