Fried News Day

Recently I have noticed an alarming dearth of interesting news items, resulting in a sad lack of Fried News Day posts. This week, however, that has all changed ...

Beginning with breakfast, we have this from the Associated Press:

Police say a Needham, Massachusetts man who was stopped for erratic driving on Central Avenue last week was eating a bowl of cereal and milk while he drove. He told officers he was hungry. Police didn't know what kind of cereal the driver was eating.

Does it make a difference?
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Moving to international news from the Associated Press:

MADRID - A new study has found the air in Madrid and Barcelona contains not only the expected pollutants, but is also laced with at least five drugs - most prominently cocaine.

On the heels of this report, Spain has observed a sudden upswing in tourism...
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In other "strange-things-in-the-air" news, the Associated Press reports:

Police in Clinton, Maine say a 500-pound moose fell 18 feet to its death when it apparently leaped a guardrail on an Interstate 95 overpass and landed on Hinckley Road. Officials learned of the incident when a motorist called the town office shortly after 8 a.m. Tuesday and told assistant town clerk Shirley Bailey that "a moose just fell out of the sky."

Last time, you remember, our friends Rocky the Squirrel and Bullwinkle the Flying Moose were ... what? It's the squirrel that flies, not the moose?

Wait, Bullwinkle! Don't try to...

Dang.
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More out-of-the-blue news from the Associated Press:

GENEVA - A rare 7.03-carat blue diamond sold for more than $8.4 million Tuesday, the highest price ever for a gem of its kind, according to auctioneers Sotheby's. The successful bidder will have the privilege of naming the gem.

I would name it "Steve." "Steve" is a nice name.

Or maybe Blue Diamond Phillips...
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And having more-or-less mentioned celebrities, let's add this item:

Dolly Parton was recently awarded an honorary doctorate from the University of Tennessee in Knoxville.

I'm not sure, but I heard a rumor that it was a Ph-Double-D...
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And speaking of well-endowed female forms:

Associated Press READING, Ohio - A sexy mannequin can keep her spot outside a Cincinnati area barbecue joint, but local officials want her to cover up a bit more. The life-size figure stands as a busty beacon outside a restaurant in suburban Reading, wearing a bikini top and tight short-shorts. According to the owner of the restaurant, the advertising gimmick has boosted business 40 percent. Members of the Design and Review Board indicated they were concerned about "community norms."

This is weird. Just plain weird. Has the Design and Review Board ever walked through a mall?
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And finally, in the oxymoronic world of archaeological news:

Associated Press BERLIN – A 35,000-year-old ivory carving of a busty woman found in a German cave was unveiled Wednesday by archaeologists who believe it is the oldest known sculpture of the human form. The carving, apparently intended to hang from a cord, was found in six fragments in Germany's Hohle Fels cave. It depicts a woman with a swollen belly, wide-set thighs and large, protruding breasts. "It's very sexually charged," said University of Tuebingen archaeologist Nicholas Conard, whose team discovered the figure in September.

It originally hung in front of an ancient barbecue joint, increasing the owner's business by a reported 40%. But the local cave council got together and decided it was too racy, so they broke it into pieces. As a result, the restaurant went out of business, and Neanderthals, lacking a place to find good mammoth ribs, starved into extinction.