If you love to laugh until your bladder cries for mercy...
If you love the most skilfully-written godawful sentences ever penned...
You have to check this out:
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2009.htm
Named for the author who first began a story with those unforgettable words, "It was a dark and stormy night," this is a celebration of the very best horrible writing the English language has to offer.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Fried News Day
Mr. Yukio Oumi, of Nakanotomachi, Japan, recently found 13 dead fish around his house. The fish, apparently small carp, lay on the back of his truck and on the ground.
Besides the usual suggestions of tornadoes passing over a lake and sucking up the fish, and Godzilla sneezing during a feeding frenzy, scientists have posed the following possible explanations:
1) North Korea is experimenting with some bizarre payloads in its long-range missile tests.
2) God was getting one of those fish-pedicures when He was suddenly called away to an emergency. As He leapt to His feet, carp were scattered everywhere, and some fell on Mr. Oumi's driveway.
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A 27-year-old Mesa man drove through the block wall of a Chandler home and ended up in the pool after an apparent suicide attempt Tuesday morning. The man positioned a 24-inch sword through the steering wheel and tied it in place with a T-shirt. When he drove through the wall, the airbag deployed and bent the sword. The man was transported to a local hospital with non-life-threatening injuries, including a cut in the neck from the sword. It is unknown whether he will be charged with any crimes.
I really, really, really try hard not to make fun of people going through hard times, and this guy clearly has some serious problems. Not the least of which is his Wile E. Coyote plan for committing suicide. But I do have to wonder why there would be any doubt as to whether he will be charged with any crimes. I don't think there is a criminal stupidity statute in Arizona, but certainly it would not be unreasonable to consider charges of trespassing, reckless endangerment, destruction of property, and probably a few more. Granted, the worst attorney on Earth could probably make a convincing insanity case, but I say they should charge him anyway, and let a jury of his peers decide.
The hard part will be to find enough of his peers to fill a jury box. Besides that, who in their right mind would want HIS peers to judge their case? Wait - my bad - I guess the "right mind" portion probably doesn't apply.
_____________________________________________________
All in all, I think I'd rather find a bunch of dead carp in my driveway than a car in my swimming pool.
Besides the usual suggestions of tornadoes passing over a lake and sucking up the fish, and Godzilla sneezing during a feeding frenzy, scientists have posed the following possible explanations:
1) North Korea is experimenting with some bizarre payloads in its long-range missile tests.
2) God was getting one of those fish-pedicures when He was suddenly called away to an emergency. As He leapt to His feet, carp were scattered everywhere, and some fell on Mr. Oumi's driveway.
_____________________________________________________
A 27-year-old Mesa man drove through the block wall of a Chandler home and ended up in the pool after an apparent suicide attempt Tuesday morning. The man positioned a 24-inch sword through the steering wheel and tied it in place with a T-shirt. When he drove through the wall, the airbag deployed and bent the sword. The man was transported to a local hospital with non-life-threatening injuries, including a cut in the neck from the sword. It is unknown whether he will be charged with any crimes.
I really, really, really try hard not to make fun of people going through hard times, and this guy clearly has some serious problems. Not the least of which is his Wile E. Coyote plan for committing suicide. But I do have to wonder why there would be any doubt as to whether he will be charged with any crimes. I don't think there is a criminal stupidity statute in Arizona, but certainly it would not be unreasonable to consider charges of trespassing, reckless endangerment, destruction of property, and probably a few more. Granted, the worst attorney on Earth could probably make a convincing insanity case, but I say they should charge him anyway, and let a jury of his peers decide.
The hard part will be to find enough of his peers to fill a jury box. Besides that, who in their right mind would want HIS peers to judge their case? Wait - my bad - I guess the "right mind" portion probably doesn't apply.
_____________________________________________________
All in all, I think I'd rather find a bunch of dead carp in my driveway than a car in my swimming pool.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Signs...and wonder-whys...
When Jesus said that it is a wicked and adulterous generation that looks for a sign, I'm sure He was talking about a miraculous sign, which is very different from the kinds of signs I see displayed in front of churches that I pass on my way to work. Nothing miraculous there, hey! What He might say about the generation who posts these signs...well, I won't indulge that speculation. I'll just throw out a few rattlingz generated by some signs I've seen recently.
_______________________________________
The "Used-to-be-Baptist-but-now-operating-under-a-new-name-because-probably-they-read-some-book-that-said-'unchurched'-people-stay-away-from-churches-with-the-word-Baptist-in-their-name" Church has once again posted their schedule of pagan rites. See March 11, 2008, for my first mention of this oddity. They removed this particular item for a while, but now it's back:
Sun Worship 10:45 A
Apart from the fact that it seems odd for a nominally Christian organization to offer sun worship as part of its ministry palette, I just have to wonder if 10:45 is really the best time to worship the sun. I'm no expert on pagan orthopraxy, but it seems as though sunrise would be a more usual time for sun worship, except perhaps at the solstices. But maybe today's American pagans pursue their faith approximately as lazily as American Christians follow our own.
_______________________________________
Speaking of worship, I saw a sign that advertised two distinct services, though I have forgotten the times posted for each:
Praise worship...
Traditional...
Apparently it has not been their historic tradition to praise or worship during church services. After all, it's not like the God of the universe is...oh, wait...hmmmmm...never mind.
_______________________________________
And while I'm talking about the God of the universe, this sign puts Him into some sort of perspective, I guess:
When you get to your wit's (sic) end, you'll find that God lives there.
Is saying, "I'm not going to say that if you don't know that the saying is wits' end, not wit's end, you really shouldn't be posting signs anyway," the same as saying it?
But, grammatical challenges aside, this message annoys me. It just seems to squarely center God's nature on "me," as though the official word from God is, "I'm there for ya, bro." Once again, as it has many times recently, this quote (attributed to Jean-Jacques Rousseau) comes to mind - "God created man in his own image. And man, being a gentleman, returned the favor."
Not that God isn't "there" for us, or that we can't find Him when we're at our weakest. I just don't think that's where He lives. Or that those things are particularly large parts of His place and work in this universe.
______________________________________
Which brings me to another odd sign, one that I have smiled at for some time, now:
Bishop Ernest - Pam Jones
At the risk of offending, am I the only one who thinks this sounds a little transgendered or at least cross-dressed? I guess if you saw the old sign, you could guess easily enough that Ernest got a promotion that Pam did not. It used to display the names:
Pastors Ernest & Pam Jones
Or maybe it was:
Pastors Ernest - Pam Jones
Either way, it was easy enough to follow the old sign. The new one is a little wonky.
I don't know Ernest Jones. I'm sure he's a great guy and a Christ-follower. But it seems to me that maybe he was so anxious to get that "Bishop" title up there that he didn't really care what the rest of the line looked like.
"Bishop" or "overseer" was once a function that some people fulfilled in the community of Jesus-followers. There wasn't any particular job description attached - just someone who oversaw things. Big things, small things, simple things, complex things, single things, multiple things...just things that needed overseeing.
But then churchianity decided that "bishop" must be an office in the church, and that the Bishop usually should have an office in the church. I don't find it very comforting that "office in the church" so easily takes on two meanings that should be so diverse. Once describing the work that people did in the course of living in a community of faith, terms like "bishop," "apostle," "pastor," became official jobs within a hierarchy.
But now we live in a time which has made these words more trivial still. Now they are nothing more than titles handed out by a parent body, or taken by individuals as they see fit, with little or no relation to a real role in the community of believers, or any assembly thereof. By giving the words themselves more and more importance, we have robbed them of their beauty and power. We have placed ourselves on the losing end of a sorry trade - the simple, elegant, graceful beauty of "having the oversight" for the empty privilege of "being the Bishop."
We have lost the respite of the mustard seed that sends mountains packing, and gained the labor of endless effort that won't cure a hangnail.
_______________________________________
The "Used-to-be-Baptist-but-now-operating-under-a-new-name-because-probably-they-read-some-book-that-said-'unchurched'-people-stay-away-from-churches-with-the-word-Baptist-in-their-name" Church has once again posted their schedule of pagan rites. See March 11, 2008, for my first mention of this oddity. They removed this particular item for a while, but now it's back:
Sun Worship 10:45 A
Apart from the fact that it seems odd for a nominally Christian organization to offer sun worship as part of its ministry palette, I just have to wonder if 10:45 is really the best time to worship the sun. I'm no expert on pagan orthopraxy, but it seems as though sunrise would be a more usual time for sun worship, except perhaps at the solstices. But maybe today's American pagans pursue their faith approximately as lazily as American Christians follow our own.
_______________________________________
Speaking of worship, I saw a sign that advertised two distinct services, though I have forgotten the times posted for each:
Praise worship...
Traditional...
Apparently it has not been their historic tradition to praise or worship during church services. After all, it's not like the God of the universe is...oh, wait...hmmmmm...never mind.
_______________________________________
And while I'm talking about the God of the universe, this sign puts Him into some sort of perspective, I guess:
When you get to your wit's (sic) end, you'll find that God lives there.
Is saying, "I'm not going to say that if you don't know that the saying is wits' end, not wit's end, you really shouldn't be posting signs anyway," the same as saying it?
But, grammatical challenges aside, this message annoys me. It just seems to squarely center God's nature on "me," as though the official word from God is, "I'm there for ya, bro." Once again, as it has many times recently, this quote (attributed to Jean-Jacques Rousseau) comes to mind - "God created man in his own image. And man, being a gentleman, returned the favor."
Not that God isn't "there" for us, or that we can't find Him when we're at our weakest. I just don't think that's where He lives. Or that those things are particularly large parts of His place and work in this universe.
______________________________________
Which brings me to another odd sign, one that I have smiled at for some time, now:
Bishop Ernest - Pam Jones
At the risk of offending, am I the only one who thinks this sounds a little transgendered or at least cross-dressed? I guess if you saw the old sign, you could guess easily enough that Ernest got a promotion that Pam did not. It used to display the names:
Pastors Ernest & Pam Jones
Or maybe it was:
Pastors Ernest - Pam Jones
Either way, it was easy enough to follow the old sign. The new one is a little wonky.
I don't know Ernest Jones. I'm sure he's a great guy and a Christ-follower. But it seems to me that maybe he was so anxious to get that "Bishop" title up there that he didn't really care what the rest of the line looked like.
"Bishop" or "overseer" was once a function that some people fulfilled in the community of Jesus-followers. There wasn't any particular job description attached - just someone who oversaw things. Big things, small things, simple things, complex things, single things, multiple things...just things that needed overseeing.
But then churchianity decided that "bishop" must be an office in the church, and that the Bishop usually should have an office in the church. I don't find it very comforting that "office in the church" so easily takes on two meanings that should be so diverse. Once describing the work that people did in the course of living in a community of faith, terms like "bishop," "apostle," "pastor," became official jobs within a hierarchy.
But now we live in a time which has made these words more trivial still. Now they are nothing more than titles handed out by a parent body, or taken by individuals as they see fit, with little or no relation to a real role in the community of believers, or any assembly thereof. By giving the words themselves more and more importance, we have robbed them of their beauty and power. We have placed ourselves on the losing end of a sorry trade - the simple, elegant, graceful beauty of "having the oversight" for the empty privilege of "being the Bishop."
We have lost the respite of the mustard seed that sends mountains packing, and gained the labor of endless effort that won't cure a hangnail.
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