Fried News Day

Mr. Yukio Oumi, of Nakanotomachi, Japan, recently found 13 dead fish around his house. The fish, apparently small carp, lay on the back of his truck and on the ground.

Besides the usual suggestions of tornadoes passing over a lake and sucking up the fish, and Godzilla sneezing during a feeding frenzy, scientists have posed the following possible explanations:

1) North Korea is experimenting with some bizarre payloads in its long-range missile tests.

2) God was getting one of those fish-pedicures when He was suddenly called away to an emergency. As He leapt to His feet, carp were scattered everywhere, and some fell on Mr. Oumi's driveway.
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A 27-year-old Mesa man drove through the block wall of a Chandler home and ended up in the pool after an apparent suicide attempt Tuesday morning. The man positioned a 24-inch sword through the steering wheel and tied it in place with a T-shirt. When he drove through the wall, the airbag deployed and bent the sword. The man was transported to a local hospital with non-life-threatening injuries, including a cut in the neck from the sword. It is unknown whether he will be charged with any crimes.

I really, really, really try hard not to make fun of people going through hard times, and this guy clearly has some serious problems. Not the least of which is his Wile E. Coyote plan for committing suicide. But I do have to wonder why there would be any doubt as to whether he will be charged with any crimes. I don't think there is a criminal stupidity statute in Arizona, but certainly it would not be unreasonable to consider charges of trespassing, reckless endangerment, destruction of property, and probably a few more. Granted, the worst attorney on Earth could probably make a convincing insanity case, but I say they should charge him anyway, and let a jury of his peers decide.

The hard part will be to find enough of his peers to fill a jury box. Besides that, who in their right mind would want HIS peers to judge their case? Wait - my bad - I guess the "right mind" portion probably doesn't apply.
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All in all, I think I'd rather find a bunch of dead carp in my driveway than a car in my swimming pool.