100th post!!! Wow - it seems like just a year and a half ago I was rattling about blaming France for the weather, and look at me now!
While fighting an epic light-saber battle, Darth Vader tells Luke Skywalker, "... I am your father."
In the midst of a similar, but somewhat less-than-epic struggle, Dark Helmet tells Lone Starr, "I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate."
Without wrrrrrrrm-ing and weeooww-ing a deadly, almost unstoppable shaft of light around the office...
Without slicing through hapless furniture and fixtures...
Without losing a limb or any subdivision thereof...
I have discovered that my sister's stepson's girlfriend's mom's boyfriend's ex-wife is my boss' sister.
Luke Skywalker's reply to Darth Vader's revelation: "No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!"
Vader: "Search your feelings. You know it is true."
Lone Starr's response: "What's that make us?"
Dark Helmet: "Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become."
Me: "So, what are we doing for Christmas this year?"
I'm still waiting to hear, but I hope she doesn't think I'm not going to make other plans if she doesn't respond pretty soon...
Friday, August 28, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
News on a Diet
We're not having any fried news today. Apparently the oddballs of the world and the press that covers them have all gone on a diet.
So, to fill the unbearable gap this dearth of material leaves in the lives of my faithful blog-followers (all six of you), I will share a few true rattlingz. Here is a selection of stray things, that might once have been thoughts, bouncing about in my brain. In point of fact, the citizens of Psychovillage are tired of all this stuff flying around, breaking windows, and making it unusually hazardous to venture outdoors. They petitioned me to get rid of some of these stray items.
As though the inside of my head is a safe place, with or without flying rattlingz. They really need to be more worried that I may wake up one morning and decide to enroll them all in a math class. Not just any math class, mind you. Oh, no - I'd sign them up for something like Advanced Absurdity Theory, wherein they would be required to determine the value of blue as a function of Przewalski horse migration and scissors.
OK, now I lost my train of thought. Actually, I think a gang of train-of-thought robbers has holed-up in Psychovillage. Or maybe that's just the movie playing in the village theatre - The Train-of-Thought Robbers. You know, the one with...
The main difference between introverts and extroverts can be summed up as follows:
Say the word, "fun" to an extrovert and immediately he will think of gathering up a bunch of people and running off to do something. Say the same word to an introvert, and he will immediately think about gathering up a bunch of extroverts and sending them all off to do something.
Actually, it might be The Great Train-of-Thought Robbery.
For a long time it made me nervous to find myself in social settings, faced with the following ice-breaker activity - "Tell us your name, where you're from, and what you do for a living." Luckily I have overcome that awkwardness. My solution is to simply repeat the name and origin of the last person who spoke. For my living, I claim, "Identity theft."
Or maybe it was just the train in Breakthought Pass...
So, to fill the unbearable gap this dearth of material leaves in the lives of my faithful blog-followers (all six of you), I will share a few true rattlingz. Here is a selection of stray things, that might once have been thoughts, bouncing about in my brain. In point of fact, the citizens of Psychovillage are tired of all this stuff flying around, breaking windows, and making it unusually hazardous to venture outdoors. They petitioned me to get rid of some of these stray items.
As though the inside of my head is a safe place, with or without flying rattlingz. They really need to be more worried that I may wake up one morning and decide to enroll them all in a math class. Not just any math class, mind you. Oh, no - I'd sign them up for something like Advanced Absurdity Theory, wherein they would be required to determine the value of blue as a function of Przewalski horse migration and scissors.
OK, now I lost my train of thought. Actually, I think a gang of train-of-thought robbers has holed-up in Psychovillage. Or maybe that's just the movie playing in the village theatre - The Train-of-Thought Robbers. You know, the one with...
The main difference between introverts and extroverts can be summed up as follows:
Say the word, "fun" to an extrovert and immediately he will think of gathering up a bunch of people and running off to do something. Say the same word to an introvert, and he will immediately think about gathering up a bunch of extroverts and sending them all off to do something.
Actually, it might be The Great Train-of-Thought Robbery.
For a long time it made me nervous to find myself in social settings, faced with the following ice-breaker activity - "Tell us your name, where you're from, and what you do for a living." Luckily I have overcome that awkwardness. My solution is to simply repeat the name and origin of the last person who spoke. For my living, I claim, "Identity theft."
Or maybe it was just the train in Breakthought Pass...
Friday, August 14, 2009
Fried News Day
Let me begin with a headline sent to me by one of my "good-friends-Ed:"
Canadian Mounties break up erectile dysfunction drug ring
Royal Canadian Mounted Police in Montreal seized thousands of counterfeit pills intended for the erectile dysfunction market.
The best part is Ed's comment, "For some reason, I thought of you when I saw this."
Thankfully he went on to explain, "No, not any association with the condition or the drug."
He thought it might make a good addition to my blog. Now, you have to know that it's really, really difficult (note that I avoided the use of the four-letter word for "difficult") to comment on this article without having to place my blog in the "adult content" warning section. I can't talk about the impact that counterfeit pills have on the legitimate market. I mean, how can you even address a market report without using words like "rising," or "falling?" Has there been a softening demand for the real stuff? Did the Mounties catch the crooks with their pants down? Did they meet stiff resistance during the raid? Curse, you, Ed, for sending me a target the size of an oliphaunt, knowing full-well I can't open fire on it with anything close to my full arsenal.
Not to mention how I can never again think of Sergeant Preston or Dudley Do-Right without being reminded of erectile dysfunction...
_______________________________________
As long as Ed has thrown this whole post into the gutter anyway:
Aug. 12, 2009 Associated Press
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - An Arkansas death-row inmate allegedly passed love letters to a guard and committed a sex act with her before supervisors discovered their illicit romance, documents obtained by the Associated Press show.
When ED pills are outlawed, only outlaws will have ED pills...
If your girlfriend is also your prison guard, you just might be a redneck...
Heck - you might BOTH be rednecks...
________________________________________
While swimming in the gutter, I found these headlines - no comments necessary:
Probation for man in woman's swimsuit
Man pleads not guilty to naked doorbell ringing
Woman in drunken breast-feeding case jailed
Man denies fondling 2 in prom dresses
Woman in glued-penis case speaks out
Man, what a weekful of weirdos!
________________________________________
And here's the one that just ices the cake:
Man convicted of groping Minnie Mouse at Disney
Guard - "So, whatcha in for?"
Prisoner - "I groped Minnie Mouse."
Guard - "Ooooo, I like your style. Wanna be my illicit boyfriend and trade love letters and stuff?"
If you get arrested for groping Minnie Mouse...
Canadian Mounties break up erectile dysfunction drug ring
Royal Canadian Mounted Police in Montreal seized thousands of counterfeit pills intended for the erectile dysfunction market.
The best part is Ed's comment, "For some reason, I thought of you when I saw this."
Thankfully he went on to explain, "No, not any association with the condition or the drug."
He thought it might make a good addition to my blog. Now, you have to know that it's really, really difficult (note that I avoided the use of the four-letter word for "difficult") to comment on this article without having to place my blog in the "adult content" warning section. I can't talk about the impact that counterfeit pills have on the legitimate market. I mean, how can you even address a market report without using words like "rising," or "falling?" Has there been a softening demand for the real stuff? Did the Mounties catch the crooks with their pants down? Did they meet stiff resistance during the raid? Curse, you, Ed, for sending me a target the size of an oliphaunt, knowing full-well I can't open fire on it with anything close to my full arsenal.
Not to mention how I can never again think of Sergeant Preston or Dudley Do-Right without being reminded of erectile dysfunction...
_______________________________________
As long as Ed has thrown this whole post into the gutter anyway:
Aug. 12, 2009 Associated Press
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - An Arkansas death-row inmate allegedly passed love letters to a guard and committed a sex act with her before supervisors discovered their illicit romance, documents obtained by the Associated Press show.
When ED pills are outlawed, only outlaws will have ED pills...
If your girlfriend is also your prison guard, you just might be a redneck...
Heck - you might BOTH be rednecks...
________________________________________
While swimming in the gutter, I found these headlines - no comments necessary:
Probation for man in woman's swimsuit
Man pleads not guilty to naked doorbell ringing
Woman in drunken breast-feeding case jailed
Man denies fondling 2 in prom dresses
Woman in glued-penis case speaks out
Man, what a weekful of weirdos!
________________________________________
And here's the one that just ices the cake:
Man convicted of groping Minnie Mouse at Disney
Guard - "So, whatcha in for?"
Prisoner - "I groped Minnie Mouse."
Guard - "Ooooo, I like your style. Wanna be my illicit boyfriend and trade love letters and stuff?"
If you get arrested for groping Minnie Mouse...
Monday, August 10, 2009
Manufacturing Facts
I recently discovered that a lady by the name of Wu Hou was once Empress of China. I planned to make a comment about how her name led to today's exclamation of "WooHOO!" when something exciting happens to us. Because, of course, one would think that becoming Empress of China would be a cause of some excitement in a woman's life.
However, I then found out that Wu Hou is not pronounced "woo-HOO," but rather, "WOO-hoe," which would take the discussion in an altogether different direction. One much less suited to what I had in mind. One that perhaps would discuss not the immortalization of a name, but the immoralization instead.
I was going to claim that while we owe Wu Hou for the phrase wooHOO, we also owe a lesser-known, but equally important, Chinese figure for his contribution to the English language. That would be, "Yee Ha," the name of the first (and perhaps only) Chinese bull-rider in rodeo history. In honor of his accomplishments, his name has been immortalized in the cowboy cry, "Yee-Haw!"
This leads me quite naturally to the topic of manufacturing facts. If, in fact, you remove the fact from manufacture, you end up with manuure. Oddly fitting for a tall tale about a fictional bull-rider...
However, I then found out that Wu Hou is not pronounced "woo-HOO," but rather, "WOO-hoe," which would take the discussion in an altogether different direction. One much less suited to what I had in mind. One that perhaps would discuss not the immortalization of a name, but the immoralization instead.
I was going to claim that while we owe Wu Hou for the phrase wooHOO, we also owe a lesser-known, but equally important, Chinese figure for his contribution to the English language. That would be, "Yee Ha," the name of the first (and perhaps only) Chinese bull-rider in rodeo history. In honor of his accomplishments, his name has been immortalized in the cowboy cry, "Yee-Haw!"
This leads me quite naturally to the topic of manufacturing facts. If, in fact, you remove the fact from manufacture, you end up with manuure. Oddly fitting for a tall tale about a fictional bull-rider...
Friday, August 7, 2009
Fried News Day
Yes! Back in spite of popular demand, it's Fried News Day!
Let's start with "Attack of the Killer Groundhog"
Associated Press
BOONTON, N.J. – Police in northern New Jersey needed pepper spray to thwart a groundhog on the attack. Boonton resident Alex Scott told police the rodent chased him when he entered his garage and tried to get his truck. Police Sgt. Mike Danyo and Officer Paul Ryan said the groundhog went on the attack when they arrived.
Police said Danyo tripped and fell. His partner sprayed pepper spray into the groundhog's face, giving the officers time to snare it.
The animal was euthanized and its remains will be shipped to the state health department for rabies testing.
Groundhog, groundhog, whatcha gonna do? A-whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. Unless euthanized first.
_________________________________________________
Continuing the theme of "Rodent Uprising"
Associated Press
TUCSON - A rodent somehow found its way into a substation, and left 7,600 Tucson Electric customers without service Tuesday.
Coincidence? I hardly think so. Homeland Security definitely needs to launch an investigation into possible ties between this critter and the New Jersey groundhog. Sounds like terrorists are training rodents to attack American law enforcement personnel and infrastructure. We need to launch immediate countermeasures.
__________________________________________________
And, speaking of counter-terrorism tactics
Donna Abu-Nasr - Associated Press
RIYADH, Saudi Arabia - Many in this ultra-conservative kingdom, where husbands and wives rarely even kiss in public, have been scandalized by a Saudi man who spoke frankly about sex on a satellite TV program, showing off erotic toys and fantasizing about joining the mile-high club.
More than 200 people have filed legal complaints against Mazen Abdul-Jawad, dubbed a "sex braggart" by the media, and many Saudis say he should be severely punished.
"His punishment should be as harsh as his sin," said lawyer Mohsen al-Awajy. "He has outraged everybody."
Abdul-Jawad was detained last Friday for questioning.
So, some Saudi goes on TV bragging about sex and the whole country rises up and throws him in jail. Some other Saudi goes on TV bragging about destroying America, and no one can even find him. I think the CIA needs to manufacture a video of Bin Laden talking about sex.
__________________________________________________
And there you have it - all the news that really isn't worth mentioning without proper editorial commentary. Stay tuned for a politically-incorrect investigation into certain contributions to American language and culture, as well as the official Bishop etymology of the word, "manufacture."
Let's start with "Attack of the Killer Groundhog"
Associated Press
BOONTON, N.J. – Police in northern New Jersey needed pepper spray to thwart a groundhog on the attack. Boonton resident Alex Scott told police the rodent chased him when he entered his garage and tried to get his truck. Police Sgt. Mike Danyo and Officer Paul Ryan said the groundhog went on the attack when they arrived.
Police said Danyo tripped and fell. His partner sprayed pepper spray into the groundhog's face, giving the officers time to snare it.
The animal was euthanized and its remains will be shipped to the state health department for rabies testing.
Groundhog, groundhog, whatcha gonna do? A-whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. Unless euthanized first.
_________________________________________________
Continuing the theme of "Rodent Uprising"
Associated Press
TUCSON - A rodent somehow found its way into a substation, and left 7,600 Tucson Electric customers without service Tuesday.
Coincidence? I hardly think so. Homeland Security definitely needs to launch an investigation into possible ties between this critter and the New Jersey groundhog. Sounds like terrorists are training rodents to attack American law enforcement personnel and infrastructure. We need to launch immediate countermeasures.
__________________________________________________
And, speaking of counter-terrorism tactics
Donna Abu-Nasr - Associated Press
RIYADH, Saudi Arabia - Many in this ultra-conservative kingdom, where husbands and wives rarely even kiss in public, have been scandalized by a Saudi man who spoke frankly about sex on a satellite TV program, showing off erotic toys and fantasizing about joining the mile-high club.
More than 200 people have filed legal complaints against Mazen Abdul-Jawad, dubbed a "sex braggart" by the media, and many Saudis say he should be severely punished.
"His punishment should be as harsh as his sin," said lawyer Mohsen al-Awajy. "He has outraged everybody."
Abdul-Jawad was detained last Friday for questioning.
So, some Saudi goes on TV bragging about sex and the whole country rises up and throws him in jail. Some other Saudi goes on TV bragging about destroying America, and no one can even find him. I think the CIA needs to manufacture a video of Bin Laden talking about sex.
__________________________________________________
And there you have it - all the news that really isn't worth mentioning without proper editorial commentary. Stay tuned for a politically-incorrect investigation into certain contributions to American language and culture, as well as the official Bishop etymology of the word, "manufacture."
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