Fried-News-Day

Special Halloween Edition!


Vampires vows at Ohio wedding
Oct. 5, 2009 09:18 AM Associated Press

COLUMBIA STATION, Ohio - Sixty-one-year-old Jack Holsinger and 44-year-old Connie Spitznagel were both made up as pale-faced vampires for their scare-emoney Saturday night at a haunted house near Cleveland. The two chose the location because it's operated by the same people who own a campground where the couple met.  Holsinger arrived in a coffin inside a hearse, and the coffin was carried to the altar by six pallbearers. Minister Greg Kopp was dressed as Jason in the "Friday the 13th" movies. After the vows were exchanged, he ordered Holsinger not to kiss his new bride but instead to bite her on the neck.


Those crazy kids! Let's check back in a couple of centuries and see if they're still together. Most of the undead I know really don't stay together any longer than that. Eventually they end up fighting over the silliest things - she sends him to pick up some takeout, and he brings home a type-O-positive waitress, when she wanted an A-negative male firefighter...
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1,725-pound pumpkin takes the prize in Ohio
Oct. 7, 2009 10:13 AM  Associated Press

CANTON, Ohio - A teacher from Ohio has won top honors in a pumpkin-growing contest with a 1,725-pound behemoth that could land worldwide bragging rights.


Unfortunately, at midnight it turned back into a carriage.
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Lung stolen from exhibition of human cadavers
Oct. 6, 2009 06:34 PM  Associated Press

LIMA, Peru - A traveling exhibition of human cadavers wants a stolen lung back.  The left lung was taken in Peru from "Bodies: The Exhibition," which has traveled the globe displaying cadavers preserved through a process that replaces water in biological tissues with polymers.  The organ disappeared from an area where visitors can touch preserved cadavers.


The thief, a priest for a secret society of modern-day Incas, has collected almost enough body parts to restore life to the mummy of the great Inca king, Atahualpa, who will rise from the dead to wreak revenge on the Spaniard invaders for kidnapping and killing him.


Coming to a theatre near you: Mummy 4 - Revenge of the Sun King!!!
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Woman gets $570K from ex in dough-mixer suit
Oct. 12, 2009 01:22 PM Associated Press


You can't really blame her for divorcing a guy who wears a dough-mixer suit.
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Police: 300-pound man in dress tries to steal rum
Oct. 16, 2009 10:19 AM Associated Press

SIOUX FALLS, S.D. – Police said a person believed to be a man disguised as a woman in a black dress tried to steal a bottle of rum and cola drinks from a local drug store.  The store's loss prevention officer unsuccessfully tried to stop the person, who is described as about 20 years old, 6-foot-3-inches tall and weighing 300 pounds.

Buddy Holley said it best ... almost ... sort of ... :

Saturday night I was downtown
Working for the FBI
Sitting in a local drug store
Whiskey bottles piling high

A pair of 45's made me open my eyes
My temperature started to rise
She was a long cool woman in a black dress...

Oh, HELL, no!!!!
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Man walks from Texas to Wash. with 12-foot cross
Oct. 6, 2009 02:16 PM  Associated Press

ABERDEEN, Wash. - A man walking from Texas to his hometown in Washington state has had a cross to bear for months.  James Strickland says he's been dragging a 12-foot cross from Longview, Texas, to his Aberdeen home since May.  He says he hopes to reconcile with the mother of his two children.


Sounds like a great idea for a song:

I'm walkin' up to Washington, in the sun and in the rain
'Cause I wanna trade this rugged cross for my old ball and chain
My old ball and chain...wooo-ooo...
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Church plans to burn Bibles, Christian books
Oct. 14, 2009 12:27 PM Associated Press

CANTON, N.C. - A North Carolina pastor says his church plans to burn Bibles and books by Christian authors on Halloween to light a fire under true believers. Pastor Marc Grizzard told Asheville TV station WLOS that the King James version of the Bible is the only one his small western North Carolina church follows. He says all other versions, such as the Living Bible, are "satanic" and "perversions" of God's word.  On Halloween night, Grizzard and the 14 members of the Amazing Grace Baptist Church also will burn music and books by Christian authors, such as Billy Graham and Rick Warren.


The church's web site says that they will be serving barbecue chicken at the book-burning.  I guess you have to give them credit for not wasting a good fire.